Yesterday I was emailing back and forth with someone about my choice to go on a 10-day steroid pack to help alleviate some of the symptoms of my Lupus flare which we have not been able to get under control, and if anything were getting worse. I shared in an email to a group of people that sometimes I think God allows us to go through things not so much to test our dependance on him but to prove to us that "He is and we are not". Our modern day Christianity wants to believe that God does not want us to suffer but just fix all our problems at our request. But I have learned in the past 18 months that our God is just not like that.
On the heels of my recovery from a Lupus flare, I find myself in a very different place. I had a flare much like this before I started taking meds and it was all I could do to get out of bed for a full month. But this time, while I have rested and worked through the symptoms I find myself constantly on the phone, just praying. Praying for marriages, future mates, healing for others, praying for my kids, other people's kids, nations, nations, nations. People call me and I find I'm having marathon conversations on the phone and that end in late night prayer meetings.
My flesh reminds me to go to bed, rest is the best thing for my immune system, but can I just say -- I am honestly feeling my best after I pray with someone for something. I can almost feel the energy return into my flesh, and even though when I finally lay myself down for the night (like right now its 1:26 am), and can feel my body try to settle down, I'm laying there just in awe that God would take this weakness and this battle so I can see that He is who He is and I am not.
You know David never stopped loving God, trying to find God's face or serving. Yet in Psalm 119:72 he said "ut was good for me to be afflicted because it helps me to obey your statutes." Paul asked God three times to remove the thorn from his flesh (2 Cor 12:8-10), yet God told him that "His grace was sufficent".
We are such a microwave culture that wants everything now. But our God is not a microwave. He is a consuming fire, that uses the worst in us to bring out the best of Him. I can not explain it, I will never understand it. But it kind of makes Lupus look a little bit smaller in my life. I may never have a miracle that looks the way my small little brain envisions it. But for now, there is a peace that comes from knowing that even through my afflictions, God is still living and active in my life and that His grace causes me to rise above my symptoms to reach out to Him and be willing (even when I don't feel like it) to be used.
He is so great! Great than anything, bigger than my circumstances and bigger than my infirmaties.
Peace be still......
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