Long Time, No Blog

How is it that I have managed to not blog since September of 2010. This is May. I have been absent from most technology for about 3 months, but even still I can't believe I did not blog October, November, December or even January. I mean looking at my journal -- I find it absolutely surreal because I wrote out some pretty deep thoughts on life, love, etc.

It is what is it is. And having walked through the first part of 2011 dealing with more than any one person should have to deal with - I know I need to blog. The question at this point is what do I blog about. Here are some things I have to really share about:

• The absolute sovereignty of God


• Our ability to know deep down that He is trustworthy


• Friendship - how to develop friendships of substance


• Favor


• Momentary Light Afflictions


• Completion


• The sound of broken chains

So at some point this week, I will pick one of these topics and begin to write. Not sure what order the blogs will come, but rest assured friends my silence has been broken and I will be writing frequently.

Peace friends - the kind that surpassess all understanding. I pray this over your life today.

Cindy

God is Greater

Yesterday I was emailing back and forth with someone about my choice to go on a 10-day steroid pack to help alleviate some of the symptoms of my Lupus flare which we have not been able to get under control, and if anything were getting worse. I shared in an email to a group of people that sometimes I think God allows us to go through things not so much to test our dependance on him but to prove to us that "He is and we are not". Our modern day Christianity wants to believe that God does not want us to suffer but just fix all our problems at our request. But I have learned in the past 18 months that our God is just not like that.

On the heels of my recovery from a Lupus flare, I find myself in a very different place. I had a flare much like this before I started taking meds and it was all I could do to get out of bed for a full month. But this time, while I have rested and worked through the symptoms I find myself constantly on the phone, just praying. Praying for marriages, future mates, healing for others, praying for my kids, other people's kids, nations, nations, nations. People call me and I find I'm having marathon conversations on the phone and that end in late night prayer meetings.

My flesh reminds me to go to bed, rest is the best thing for my immune system, but can I just say -- I am honestly feeling my best after I pray with someone for something. I can almost feel the energy return into my flesh, and even though when I finally lay myself down for the night (like right now its 1:26 am), and can feel my body try to settle down, I'm laying there just in awe that God would take this weakness and this battle so I can see that He is who He is and I am not.

You know David never stopped loving God, trying to find God's face or serving. Yet in Psalm 119:72 he said "ut was good for me to be afflicted because it helps me to obey your statutes." Paul asked God three times to remove the thorn from his flesh (2 Cor 12:8-10), yet God told him that "His grace was sufficent".

We are such a microwave culture that wants everything now. But our God is not a microwave. He is a consuming fire, that uses the worst in us to bring out the best of Him. I can not explain it, I will never understand it. But it kind of makes Lupus look a little bit smaller in my life. I may never have a miracle that looks the way my small little brain envisions it. But for now, there is a peace that comes from knowing that even through my afflictions, God is still living and active in my life and that His grace causes me to rise above my symptoms to reach out to Him and be willing (even when I don't feel like it) to be used.

He is so great! Great than anything, bigger than my circumstances and bigger than my infirmaties.

Peace be still......

I have Lupus

I have Lupus - it does not have me. I work very hard at staying healthy, eating healthy, moderate exercise, keeping my stress levels down, and staying on the medications that keep me healthy as well.

However there are times, despite my best efforts - the disease rears it's ugly head as a reminder that I am not as healthy as I used to be and that I have to rest, because if I don't it could get a lot worse. I don't need to do something different, I don't need to exercise more, eat less, take extra vitamins, or see another doctor to "fix me".

It does not mean I don't love you, I don't want to hang out with you or I am ignoring you. I may not have outward signs of being sick, in fact I may look perfectly healthy. But I'm not - I have Lupus, a very peculiar disease that never presents itself twice the same way.

I have Lupus and I believe with all my heart that God wants me healthy. Just because I have not had some miracle does not mean that I have some sin issue in my life or that I do not have enough faith to believe God. But everyday that I wake up I have to remember that "His Grace is sufficient for me" and that God may use this condition as a way to bring Him glory, slow me down or make me trust Him more. Please don't make assumptions about my faith level.

If you want to know how you can help me here is a list:

• Pray for me
• Understand the illness, not for my sake but for your own.
• When you call to see how I'm feeling, expect the truth, if I feel like crap I'm going to tell you - it's not an exaggeration. I'm not seeking sympathy, I just get tired of telling people I don't feel good and they give me a confused look like "well what is wrong". Lupus is what is wrong.
• If you know I'm sick and have not been able to get out for several days, check and see if we need anything, laundry done, meals, milk or a loaf of bread from the store, etc.

I'm blessed with an amazing support group, loving husband who trys to make things better for me, sisters who may not understand what I'm going through but do check on me often, and friends who try to understand. But sometimes someone says something and I just have to remind people (as my pastor would say) "sunshine this really is not about you!".

And that is all....

Thoughts to Ponder

I attended a funeral this morning. My best friend from high school lost her dad. Hearing the life of Jim Rapp played out at the memorial reminded me of my years as a teenager hanging out at their home around the street from our home. They were like 2nd parents to me. I remember one day Joan's mom coming over to my house because all my clothes were in her closet and all her's were in mine. When I would spend the weekend over there, Jim would always get up on Saturdays and make our breakfast for us. I have fond memories.

It was a full blown catholic mass. I remember when Joan's mom died 12 years ago that there was a mass, but did not remember the details of it. Two things struck my heart more than anything. On the order of service given at the entrance of the church there were these words: "If love could have saved him, he would have lived forver". I wept for a short time, something inside of me kept saying - "Love did save him"

Secondly as part of the liturgy several hymns were sung. They were more like Psalms and Prayers that a solosit would sing and the congregation would join in on the refrain. So I wrote this refrain down just because I decided it belongs in my journal as a prayer for my own personal life:

Shepherd me Oh God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears, from death unto life. This small chorus was part of the 23rd Psalm.

You know I don't get into philosophical arguments over religion. I knew Jim Rapp and he was a good man. I want to believe that at some point in his 85 years, he understood the liturgy of his religion and instead of saying mechanical prayers, he truly listened to the words spoken and out of that realized that he was saved but not because of liturgy but because of the LOVE of of a savior.

May his family be comforted in knowing that Love did save him and he now lives forever with the one that loves him more.

Thoughts to ponder,

Selah

What does it look like?

My daughter said something to me during a short visit from Austin last week. In a tender moment (she does not share these with me often), she said she was trying to discipline herself to not go to the Lord each day out of duty or some mechanical formula which she was taught, but that out of a pure heart and devotion for His love and His working in her life. What a concept. Here is this young woman that I was given the great priviledge of hopefully not screwing up too bad and she is speaking into my life without ever knowing it.

I love quiet time. I hate it when I don't do it, put it off or tell myself it's not important. I have journals all over my house and sometimes, usually when I'm reorganizing things I will pull them out and try to see areas of my life where God has moved profoundly and changed me, I will see areas He is still working on years later and commit to NOT going around that mountain again, or I will just sit and laugh at some of the stuff I thought was God, but now realize I should not have given Him credit for that at all! I will be the first to admit that I probably come to the Lord each morning with some sort of formula. I will read a devotional, I will read some scripture, I will reflect, sometimes journal, sometimes pray, sometimes do both, but always it's the same methodology -- so now I am asking myself that same question. Why do I come to the Lord? Is it out of some kind duty that I have put myself into a cookie cutter recipe of or is it out of a true love and devotion to spend time with the lover of my soul? I think the "Christianology" word for this is "Putting on Christ". What does that look like in our lives? What does it mean to put Christ on each and every day? Is there a formula for this?

As many know, I have recently started Yoga therapy as a way to help my health. Going to that mat two times a week is not enough. I really should take what my therapist teaches me on Monday and Wednesday and put it into practice, but I think I have developed a mindset that I am only doing this for my health and for no other reason. Yoga would not be my first choice in any exercise program. First it is much harder than I ever expected to be, it is very challenging to concentrate on balance and form while in a standing position, usually on one leg. But there are three poses that I really love. I love Prayer, Childs Pose and Corpse. At the beginning of every session we warm up by doing a series of stretches which always end in the position of me standing still on my mat with my hands in prayer and about a 2 minute hold. It is during this short 6 minutes that I can truly focus on the Lord and his good ness in my life. It is in this position that I can tell God how truly grateful I am. Child's Pose finds me prostrate and bent over from a kneeling position, and even though I don't hold this position for very long it once again reminds me to be humble and take baby steps. Recovering from a major Lupus flare is a marathon not a sprint. And corpse finds me laying down at the end of my session and quietly reflecting on the peace of God in my life, unfortuneately this is not always evident any other time in my life.

I think putting on Christ is very much like any other discipline in our life, it may become mechanical at first, but eventually it should bring change and we end up doing it out of a pure love and devotion for Christ and what he did with us. And I think that is what Tessa meant when she said - I don't want to do this becuase I have to, but I want to do this because I am in a relationship with Him and out of that love and devotion I want to.

I don't want to feel guilty when I don't come to the Lord, I want to be okay with whatever time I carve that day. I don't think it's a mechanical formula we put together so that we can feel good about ourselves and mark that task off our list that day. You know, brush teeth - check, eat food - check, seek the Lord - check? There has to be more to this all that! I believe it's important for us to come to the Lord not just with our wants, needs and whining over our emotions, but because there is something that comes from sitting in a position of expectancy that the God of the Universe would meet with us. I am always amazed that no matter what time I carve out, be it 10 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour or hours -- that I know that I have been in His presence and He has met with me.

This week I'm reflecting on transformation. So naturally I am concentrating on what God's word has to say about transformation. In closing I want to use some scriptures as a guide for putting on Christ in your life out of Phillipians 4:7-8 - "And the peace of God which suprasses all comprehension will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. THEREFORE, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is of a good report, if there is anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."

Until next time friends,

Selah

Who do you say I am?

Very few things rock me to the core of my being. But this past week I was leveled by God. I think one of the things I truly love about God is his ability to meet with his people. It does not seem to matter if there are 4 or 400 gathered; He is always faithful to show up in the midst of us.

As I began to feel better this week, I ventured out this past Wednesday evening to attend a mobilization meeting for the upcoming onething© conference which will be coming to Houston in the fall. It was a small gathering of about 30-35 people. As we had a time of worship and prayer before the actual meeting started I just began to weep. Maybe I was starved for the presence of the Lord, or maybe it was when I was a questioned as we sang the popular song “Healer”.

Matthew 16:13-16:

13When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, "Who do people say the Son of Man is?"
14They replied, "Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets."
15"But what about you?" he asked. "Who do you say I am?"
16Simon Peter answered, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God."

I made a decision this week regarding my health. Having spent most of the month of July feeling horrible and barely able to move each morning, I finally said enough is enough! I believe God is able to heal me. But as I sang that verse “I believe you’re my healer” I began to hear this voice in my heart and brain asks me “Who do you say I am”? Trying to ignore the voice it asked again and I knew that voice, I knew I had been pegged and I knew I had no response. I have spent the past 4-6 weeks living like I had no power or victory in my life.

When Jesus asked this question, it was Peter who gave the final answer. Jesus followed up by telling Peter that on his knowledge of who Jesus is, that the church would be built, nothing would prevail against it and then in vs. 19: I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be] loosed in heaven."

So here is my dilemma. We are the church that nothing will prevail against. It’s not a building or a group of people; it is just us normal people who are followers of Him. How often do we say we believe God? We believe he is our provider, our healer, our friend, etc. But we live our lives paralyzed by fear, lack and sickness. I’m honest enough to admit that I often just get mad at God for not showing up to rescue me, but this past year has taught me valuable lessons in sovereignty, trust, and just knowing “He is”. I have not always liked the path I am walking in, but I always seem to have known that I did not walk alone. So I was a little put off that God would ask me “Who do you say I am?”

I cried. I cried the next day as I studied these scriptures in Matthew. Because if I’m honest with myself, I don’t really live out who He is and who I know He is in my life. There had to be something in my life that the Lord would ask me this, questions this specific rarely come without reason. So I am examining myself, trying to look back specifically on the past 4-5 weeks where I have really felt isolated, alone and without much hope. There was not even any reason for it, my doctors came up with a treatment plan that would keep me well; I just had to get through the flare.

But none of that changes anything unless I truly know who He is. And He would be I AM. In fact throughout most of the Bible we are told who He is. He was constantly reminding the Israelites that I AM. He either told them who He was to assure them of his favor or wrath in their lives, or many times he told them who he was so that they would see his love, kindness, provision or compassion towards them. He always wanted them to know who he was and that was I AM. In the Psalms, David wrote over and over again who God was. He is my big revelation – I know who I AM is, and I know who I am not without him. Who do I say He is? I am feeling better and honestly ever since last Wednesday I think I turned the corner in my health. More importantly I turned a corner with the Lord. Who do I say he is? He is all I need Him to be – He always was.

Nothing makes the enemy happier than to see me shrink back and give in. Sometimes we have to encourage ourselves, we have to know that no matter what He is who He is.

Peace be still,

-cv

God's waits on us! Thoughts from Isaiah 30

Why is it that these days if I exert any energy on one day, the next day I pay for it. Today I have missed my 4th Sunday at church and as many Wed. night Bible Studies. While that alone is fatal to me, what is more fatal is that I am now starting to feel like I'm never going to get better. I am concerned that I'm always going to be exhausted, always have skin that when scratched is painful and always itching. I have Lupus, but I'm bound and determined that Lupus will not have the best of me. Until days like today -- when I truly lay around all day and barely get out of my pj's.

I have two options:

1. Resort to drugs which help keep my condition at rest, but have horrible side effects;
2. Trust in the Lord.

Hence my problem, I don't do the trusting thing very well. I hate it, I feel guilty about it, but I told the Lord as much that I would love to trust him in this area of my life, but I fail miserably. It's not just trusting to help me get healthy, it's every area of my life. We had this conversation last night over dinner with some friends, how we want to go deeper -- but refuse to go deeper and the reason we don't go deeper is that it requires us to release control of our lives and TRUST (there is that word again) something that is bigger than we, powerful than we are, but yet we can't tanigbly touch or feel.

So today I have been pondering over Isaiah 30. It's easy to see at this point that the people of Israel have formed alliances with Egypt and God is just a little bit peterbed so he once again sends Isaiah to warn them. And the warning is stern! But right in the middle of the chapter the prophet says, "it does not have to be like this". I am the God who loves you, you don't have to sweat, toil, worry or try to figure it out -- I am here, just listen to me, just trust me, let me love you.

These two verses have captured my attention today.

Vs. 15: In returning and rest you shall be saved, in quietness and confidence shall be your strength, but you will not have it....

Vs. 18: Therefore the Lord will wait, that He might be gracious to you; And therefore He will be exalted; that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is the God of justice. Blessed are those who wait on him.

What a contrast. The first 17 verses are about how we do not wait, but the last of the chapter starting at verse 18 is just about the benefits of waiting and trusting in God. What He is saying to me is.

You don't think you can trust me....I'll wait.

You don't want to hand over that control...I'll wait.

You don't want to dig in....I'll wait.

I WILL WAIT - for you, because I long for that. I long to sing over you, hear your concerns, hear your doubts. I wait for you to come back and see that I am all trustworthy you just have to come to me every single day. I WILL WAIT, because I know you and

Chew on Isaiah 30 this week, it will challenge your ability to trust in not only the seen but the unseen!

Peace be still....